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…I wish I knew exactly what I was looking for but I don’t. I just want to be around someone I enjoy spending time with. Unfortunately, the only person I’ve found that with didn’t want me back in that way but I guess we all learn the hard way.
And yeah, for long time being in ‘like’ with that person held me back from a lot because i eventually thought it’d turn into something.
But it didn’t. And that was my decision.
Realistically, sometimes I just don’t want to engage in things. It fucks up my vision. I feel like I’m busy, like my mind is always busy and I don’t know if I’m ready to make an effort to like someone like that.
Sometimes, the couple of men I’ve given it a try with just don’t cut it. I don’t feel like it’s right or that it’s “it”. I don’t feel like it’s “home” and why waste my time with someone who isn’t that, you know.
I guess I’m ruthless with accepting people and perhaps that’s the reason I’m alone but I’m okay with that. Perhaps it’s my reflex to find something I don’t like and use it as an excuse to push someone away. Perhaps it’s just that we don’t have chemistry. If the vibe isn’t right, I don’t want to take it any further.
I’m not just waiting for someone to save me. I’m just at a point in my life where I feel like my life needs me more than anyone else does. I’m not going to be 23 forever.
I truly think that when I’m happy with where I am, that person will find me."